Phebe Fletcher
M.A., MFT Intern, IMF50647
Berkeley & Walnut Creek
Shame is the most acutely painful feeling we have. Shame affect researchers have identified its trigger as any ‘nasty surprise’ in interactions, the ones that we dread happening, smooth over, harp on, want to blame others for, or pretend didn’t happen. Nathanson explains in his book, Shame and Pride, that it is an involuntary survival mechanism. It is designed to break our powerful interest and prevent us from getting further into situations in which we aren’t predicting the outcomes adequately enough to be safe physically. This includes being safe socially enough to belong in our ‘tribe’. Shame underlies much of what distresses us in our relationships.
I began developing my interest in shame when I was looking for treatments for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I use my knowledge of the shame affect pattern to identify shame in people’s stories, which is all too often missed in treatment. Regardless of the will, or any mind tricks, shame sticks with a person until the ‘unsafe’ aspect of the situation is understood or addressed, which can make it appear intractable to the person in the experience, the rest of the family, and people in the community.
I help individuals and couples navigate shame issues and triggers, as well as related problems such as recovery from depression and breakdowns, anxiety, AD/HD and various types of abuse and addiction. I am from an abusive background myself, and also navigate shame related to a ‘hidden’ disability. I present free talks on shame to support groups, and facilitate psycho-educational groups and workshops called ‘Navigating Shame’ for people wanting to practice empowering new ways of managing shame in a comfortable environment. I am a seasoned psychotherapist intern who has worked in a several agencies and in a private practice for over thirteen years. I earned my Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology from John F. Kennedy University, and wrote my Master’s project on recognizing shame, and exploring modes of treatment.
Early on in therapy, I help with navigating some of the more painful ongoing triggers, so a person is relieved and freer to invest in the work of healing and resuming their growth. I work by supporting the person’s self where it is needed: by attuning to what clients show or tell me, by checking with clients if I am ‘getting it’, and by sharing information and understanding. We begin to build a relationship – undoing isolation (and preventing unnecessary shame) as much as possible. When relating is made safer, more of our full distress emerges, becomes familiar, and helped. I respond to a person’s distress, and uncover or provide fresh frames of reference as needed, for new ways of interacting to emerge.
Understanding shame relieves some of the most uncomfortable feelings we have, and the least talked about. Shame affects us in our core. It has various guises such as self-attack, other-attacking and blaming, withdrawal, avoidance, and by-passing, that underlie so much of the distress that brings people to therapists for assistance. This includes social shame and trauma which often disrupts the body/mind connection. I often draw upon somatic therapy to facilitate progress, especially to help a person to resolve inner conflict, regulate emotional states between sessions, or where behavior is deeply ingrained. So often somatic work frees up people where psychotherapy commonly bogs down.